FIRST WORLD PROBLEMS

Can a Chair Make Your Ass Fat?

You bet your patoot

Sherry McGuinn
3 min readJul 25, 2022

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Image by Pascal/Flickr.Com

I’ve never thought of furniture as something to fear, other than when I trip over a coffee table. To borrow from the great Spencer Tracey in Father of the Bride:

“One is so quick to attribute such things to alcohol.”

But, I have to say, I believe the chair in front of my computer is intent on giving me an enormous keyster. I’m starting to hate this chair. Did you get that? Hate. I’m thinking of putting it on the curb and letting someone who needs or wants a fat ass, take it off my hands. Or, ass.

Now, this chair is nothing fancy. It’s a regular, old office-type chair that we’ve had for years. But, the seat is not what you’d call “supportive” in any way. Rather, sitting here, my ass feels like a marshmallow melting into a cup of cocoa.

Please tell me I’m not the only one experiencing this odd phenomenon. What is one to do when one simply must sit? I don’t have one of those standing desk thingamajigs and I’m not going to throw money at one anytime soon.

This is just one more way writers are screwed. Here’s what The Week says about chairs and fat asses:

The pressure placed on the buttocks and hips from too much sitting or lying down can generate significant fat build-up in those areas.

Of course, The Week goes on to say that we should get up off our chairs every now and then to let the fat settle. As in “deposits.”

Do we want those?

I remember when I was gainfully employed, some of my co-workers would bring in those huge, blow-up, exercise balls and sit on those, so that their spines would align properly, helping to eliminate Bigbuttitis.

I could never see doing that. But, as I write this, my gaze wanders to the corner of the basement, where my own big ball resides, rarely, if ever to be used.

Even if I give it a shot, I don’t believe it’s high enough for me to see my computer’s screen clearly. Or, use the keyboard comfortably.

So, what do we do folks? Bigbuttitis would be a hell of a lot easier to swallow if our bottom lines swelled along with our asses. But, I’m not holding my…

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Sherry McGuinn

Long-time writer and big-time dreamer. Screenwriter. Cat mama. Red lip aficionado. sherrymcguinn@gmail.com