Need Help Wiping Your Ass?

I got you

Sherry McGuinn
4 min readMay 26


Source: Wikipedia Commons

Once in a while, while on the toity, I can’t help but wonder, “What would I do if I couldn't clean up after myself? Like, “down there?”

And then I think of possible reasons that might hinder me from taking care of business after doing my business. For example, a broken right hand (my dominant), or even, painful arthritis, which I’ve been experiencing off and on. That’s because I’m an older broad. A ridiculously good-looking older broad but even we are prone to inflammation. That nasty fucker.

Because I’m all about personal hygiene, as in looking and smelling good, I decided it would be a good idea to arm myself with the information I’d need if I ever find myself in a situation where I can’t wipe my ass.

Maybe that’s you right now. Holding your device with your “other” hand while reading this because your dominant paw is trussed up in a cast, or sling.

First, thank you for reading. All three of you because MEDIUM won’t let anyone else near me. Doesn’t matter. I’m happy to help my true friends.

So, with that, and also, the help of my inhuman friend, if, for any reason you’re in a pickle when it comes to wiping your ass, here are some suggestions:

Adapted tools: Look for tools specifically designed to assist with personal hygiene tasks. There are long-reach toilet tissue holders or “bottom wipers” available that can help you reach and clean effectively. These tools often have an extended handle and a gripping mechanism to hold the toilet paper securely. No, a ceiling fan duster will not work here.

Bidet or handheld shower: Consider installing a bidet attachment or a handheld shower near your toilet. These devices use water to clean, eliminating the need for buttwipe. You can adjust the water pressure and temperature to your preference. Think of the money you’ll save. Also, you’ll feel tres francais!

Seek assistance: If your injury allows it and you have someone you trust, you can ask for assistance from a family member, caregiver, or close friend. (Your cats will not help you here. Just sayin.’) It may be uncomfortable to ask for help, but in certain situations, it can be a practical solution to ensure personal hygiene…



Sherry McGuinn

Long-time writer and big-time dreamer. Screenwriter. Cat mama. Red lip aficionado.